Three Issues

"Taco Robbery" by Charles Russell
“Taco Robbery” by Charles Russell

There are three issues that matter to me in this election: Tacos, Internet Freedom, and Naps.

My favorite meal is tacos, and I want a president who will keep this delicious menu item popular and inexpensive. So I must be certain that as commander-in-chief, he/she will keep us out of war with Mexico.

I love the internet. But occasionally I accidentally Google something that brings up photos of nice young ladies who happen to have few if any clothes on. I really enjoy these mistakes, but I only ogle at these Googles for a few seconds before I quickly fix my search query. No, I wouldn’t abuse my internet privileges by slobbering over these images for hours upon end. Not me. Just the same, it always comes as a pleasant surprise whenever I make such Googling errors. I want a president who understands this, and who will not censor the internet.

Nothing feels better than a midday nap. Especially at work. But I’m retired now, so I get double the pleasure from my naps, because I don’t have to sleep with one eye open. Television is a great soporific. I like to turn on the boob tube, prop myself up in bed, and then drift off to dreamland under the quiet hum of my favorite TV show. I want a president who will keep us out of crises, so I won’t have my naps constantly disturbed by the clamant blare of breaking news.

Donald Drumpf (aka Trump) would be bad for tacos. He’s sure to get us into a war with Mexico, and then patriotic war hawks would call for a boycott on tacos. Just like they did with French fries after France criticized us for invading Iraq. Every Del Taco in our country would be forced to close. But the Donald wouldn’t censor the internet. He always says he LOVES women. As for naps, I’d never get one again with all the trouble he’d stir up in this world. So Donald, you would only be good for one issue. Thus, I give you only 1 point, in my scoring system for choosing who to vote for.

Cruz and Rubio would protect tacos. They’re Hispanic, so I’m sure they’d do their very best to preserve this fine form of tortilla-sandwich dining. But Cruz is evangelical, and Rubio is part of the Republican establishment. Both groups have a history of Comstockery, so they’ll censor the internet. Thus, no more skin for dirty old men. As for naps, I think I’d get a lot of them under their leadership. They are both boring as hell. So I give them 2 points each.

Hillary would be great for tacos. She appeals to Hispanics, and has even hinted she may choose a Hispanic running-mate. Democrats never censor the internet, so my Googling errors would be safe under her tutelage. And I’ve found it very easy to take a nap in the middle of her speeches. Hillary’s a 3 in my book.

But what about Bernie? Well, he’s from Vermont. I’ve been to Vermont. Do you know how hard it is to find a taco in Vermont? So Bernie-from-Vermont probably knows nothing about tacos. This lack of range in his qualifications costs him a point in my book. He wouldn’t censor the internet, but he has called for revolution. A revolution means lots of breaking news. No naps under Bernie. Bernie gets just 1 point.

And so the winner is, Hillary Rodham Clinton. There, I’ve made my decision. Now it’s time for a taco and nap. But not before I do a little internet browsing.

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