Retirement For Kids

“A Boy and a Girl With a Cat and an Eel,” by Judith Leyster, circa 1635.

You’re 12 years old. Puberty has just begun, or it’s just around the corner. Now is the time to start planning your retirement.

Kids, if you plan well you may retire by age 30 or 40. And then you won’t have to work all your life, like your poor dumb parents.

Here are some things you can do right now to plan your retirement:

GET STERILIZED

That’s right, get a vasectomy, or get your tubes tied, just as early in life as possible. Children can cost more than new cars or houses, and this can make it difficult or impossible to save for your retirement.

Besides, these days children are a luxury, unlike a few hundred years ago. Back then they were an effective retirement plan for parents. Parents put them to work on their farms and used their labor for support so that they could kick back in their old age and take it easy.

But nowadays we have Social Security. Parents must rely upon that because it’s very rare for a child to support their aging parents, in these modern times. Hell, it’s almost as rare for their ungrateful offspring to make a phone call, or send them a card.

Children also contribute to global warming. Every human being tramples the earth with a large carbon footprint over the course of their lifetime. So there is no more effective way to reduce your carbon footprint than to refrain from producing human beings. So if not for your retirement, then at least for the purpose of saving the Earth, get yourself sterilized.

QUIT SCHOOL

School’s a drag anyway, so why do you keep attending? You’ll be better off if you stay at home and educate yourself. You can get about six years of public education in one year of self-study, as long as you stay away from video games, smartphones, and the opposite sex.

If you study hard, you’ll be able to test out and get your high school diploma or GED by the time you’re 13. Then you can get a job and begin making some real money. This will give you a big head start on your retirement as you’ll be working while you’re still young and strong, and can easily handle lots of overtime.

STUDY FINANCIAL MANAGEMENT

Pick up some good books on financial management and investing, and spend a few hours studying them. None of the many hours of hard work you do from age 13 and beyond will amount to a hill of beans if you don’t know how to save and invest the money you make. A tiny investment in self-study time will save you from fribbling away many thousands of hours of your future labor.

AVOID MARRIAGE

At least 90% of the population likes to spend, spend, spend money. So if you get married there’s a very good chance you’ll end up with a spendthrift for a spouse. Stay single, or at least get a pre-nup, so that you can enjoy the financial security that comes from spending sensibly.

AVOID POLITICS, CAUSES AND CHARITIES

You’ll never change the world, in spite of what you hear all the time in school. But after you retire and have plenty of money, you can always try.

Until then, be your own cause and charity. Avoid controversy. Get all the free stuff you can. Work hard and save harder. And take every opportunity the world offers, for making and saving more and more money.

And then, maybe then, you will be able to retire before the first gray hair appears upon your head.

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18 thoughts on “Retirement For Kids

    1. That’s the way to do it, in my view. You didn’t have to put anyone through college, or have various and sundry other expenses that come with kids. Congrats on your early retirement! 🙂

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    1. I guess I am pretty cynical. I’ve seen quite a few people who seem to have no clue about money management or retirement planning. I’m hoping my extreme plan can shake those kinds of folks out of their mental haze, so they can start thinking clearly.

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  1. None of this advice sounds sensible until you’re married with three kids, carrying 50K of student loan debt, and living paycheck to paycheck. Then you smack yourself in the head and say, “Tippy was right, why the heck didn’t I listen?”

    Liked by 1 person

            1. Nah, all I ever found were whistles and other little cheap toys. Of course I could have sold these prizes and put the money into a savings account, which by now could be worth a million dollars. Stupid me.

              Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks. Glad you got a laugh. The only problem with giving retirement advice to 12 year olds is they never listen or take it seriously. Come to think of it, that’s the same problem with giving retirement advice to adults.

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